Sad... very, very SAD!

Today is a sad day in America!
A day no woman should ever have to confront.
A terrible enough day to destroy many lives and spring on immediate depression.
Today....I'm having to convert my Shoe Room into a nursery.

MY SHOE ROOM!!!!

I spent many a days designing, constructing and decorating this room to display the most amazing, eclectic collection of stilettos, thigh high, knee high and calf high boots, booties, sandals, even hush puppies.  It had freshly painted lavender walls, a newly designed, compartmentalized closet with lots of different-sized shelving, a fancy decorative futon with purple, green and gold throw pillows to bring out my shoe collection, a wall-mirror to rival all wall-mirrors, pink frilly curtains, and a light violet carpet.  The most colorful, coveted, in-season heels were cleverly laid on rows of horizontal wall shelves lining an entire wall, perfectly positioned as one's first sight upon entry into this shoe haven...it begot instant 'oooohs' and 'aahhhs'.  #egoboost.  It was MINE!  ALL MINE!

"Honey, against which wall?"  bellowed my husband, almost spitefully and mischievously, as he positioned one of the newly-constructed department store DIY bookshelves in the basement.  They were to be the new home for my shoes.
(He was never a fan of that room.  He thought it rather braggadocious and a waste of space.  He, is what we refer to as A HATER!)

Ughh!  The Basement!  Three whole floors down.  Below ground-level.  Sharing a space with non-fashion-friendly items...such as laundry and old books and suitcases and blue carpets.....UGGGHHH!

So............. we're having a baby, huh?  This is really happening?

Sucking the Life Out of Me...

"Where have you been?"

Me? ....busy!  Very busy!  Let's play catch up...

I've been pregnant for many months now, and it's been a joy.....well, NOW it's a joy but it hasn't always been so blissful.  Take a walk down memory lane with me back to week 8, first trimester...

9am  -- I had a routine ultrasound.  It was to be my second to last visit to the fertility institute before graduating to my obstetrician for regular prenatal check-ups.   I had cramps, lots of uncomfortable cramps.

No heartbeat.  No picture of a baby.  Nothing.  

"What's wrong doc?  You look worried."
"uhmmm...I can't seem to find....can you slide to the left?  No wait, don't move.  Ok, now to the right.  Hmm....I can't.......I'll be right back".

In walks the attending doctor and she attempts to perform the ultrasound.
"Hmm....we can't seem to find the baby abdominally...let's try a pelvic ultrasound.

She tried and couldn't locate the fetus, instead a huge mass that had grown significantly larger since the last ultrasound and was incredibly painful to the touch.  She could go no further into my uterus.

"I'm afraid the baby may have stopped growing and the gigantic fibroid has sucked the life out of it.  I'll need to send you to the lab for an advanced ultrasound with better technology....ASAP.  Cancel your afternoon plans."

That day ended up being one of the most horrific scariest stressful interesting days of my life.  

Many, many slow-moving hours later of waiting and panicking and crying and praying and lots of tests....we found the baby....chilling in the corner, completely unfazed.

Yep...I was nurturing twins.  Nooo....no no....slow down.  Not twin babies...more like twin organisms growing in my body at the same rate.  One, welcomed with open arms, and the other...the bane of my existence!  Yes, FIBROIDS!  One particular fibroid had grown to about 7 centimeters (from mere millimeters the week before) as a result of my increased hormone levels and was competing with the baby for blood supply.  I later discovered it was something called 'fibroid degeneration'...a rather common occurrence amongst many women with fibroids during pregnancy...the baby was going to win this fight and the fibroid was not going down without a fight.  I paid for it with my sanity!

I spent the next two weeks in and out of the ER for intense, gut-wrenching, extremely unbearable pain.  The pain was so bad, I couldn't walk, eat, sleep, or even urinate.  Yes, peeing was excruciatingly painful....every tinkle felt like I was being sliced open with unsanitized, red hot sharp razors and the wound immediately being doused with salt.  PAINFUL!  I was given a few doses of morphine just to quell the pain while in the hospital, then a low dose of Percocet every few hours as needed, for about 2 weeks until I was no longer suffering.   I couldn't help but obsess over the impact of all these narcotics on my unborn child's development ....but there's still a God, right?  At some point, my faith had to kick in.

Say a prayer.
Pop a pill.

Wait a few minutes....
Ahhhh....feel the high!  I'm floating....pain free.  
What's showing on Lifetime?

Why?

I refilled my last set of syringes today....counting down until I graduate from the fertility medical team to my obstetrician.  #bittersweet.  Two more weeks.  Today's hug with my nurse was a bit more emotional...love her!  I wish I had more time with her (but that actually has more dire implications....so #GIRLBYE!) .

"How did it feel to document it for all of us to see?"  ...asked a girlfriend last week.

It's one of many questions I've gotten about my blog.

"What if you have a miscarriage, will you blog about that?"
"Aren't you afraid of what people think?"
"Don't you think this is too personal to share?"

All valid points but none impactful enough to sway my decision to share this very intimate, painful yet exhilarating and amazing experience of a lifetime.  The inspiration to share one of the most naked experiences of my existence was divine, as like many, I was just as ashamed to open up. I was documenting my experience on a private blog so I could later reflect and gain clarity, but it quickly became a forum/guide/reference/conversation-starter for people of all walks of life -- couples undergoing fertility treatments, newlyweds in their early thirties not sure if they should get fertility testing before losing too much time trying to conceive, pregnant women, men/women who know nothing about infertility and IVF and have always been curious, the list goes on.  It's encouraging!

But you didn't answer their questions. 
Oh... right!!!

Miscarriage:  if this happens to be my fate, then I'd be thankful to live to tell it.  Not much more than God's Will.
Afraid:  no!  I've never been driven by fear.  I come from a culture where fear and the stigma of being imperfect drives people to do the unthinkable to keep up appearances.  I made the decision to LIVE fearlessly a very long time ago.  It's much more liberating.
Personal:  yes.  I also think it's too important 'not' to share.  Importance trumps personal ;).  If in my lifetime, my painful testimony helps just ONE soul thrive and get through a tough time in life, I'd say life was worth living!

Happy Birthday!

"Happy Birthday Mom" as we sang in unison.
"Thanks honies"
"Ready for your birthday present?"
"As ready as can be!!!"

Our gift to her this year was something Hallmark didn't have in stock.....it was a trip to the doc's office for our baby's first ultrasound.   picture...heartbeat....breathtaking.....God's creation...PERFECTION!

hehee....s/he looks like a bean

She didn't faint this time. 

About 2 months pregnant.  So far, so good.  All but morning sickness, thank God!  I just found out my girlfriend is also pregnant -- 2 months -- fabulous!!!  We symptom-swap every few days :)

So I'll remain under the care of my fertility team until about 10 weeks, then graduate to an OBGYN of my choice.  In that time, I'll continue using estrogen patches every other day, and daily progesterone injections in my tush.  Both hormones are needed for the lining of my uterus as the baby implants and grows (they would have been produced in my body had the unfertilized eggs not been harvested -- as they would have disintegrated and produced the necessary hormones preparing my body for pregnancy.  This is usually the case in a non-IVF pregnancy).  At around 10 weeks, the fetus will begin making its own progesterone, at which time I can stop the hormones and just remain on prenatal vitamins.

*important*  most women would opt to use their usual gynecologist after discovering a positive pregnancy test but buyer beware!   Lately, many OBGYNs have chosen to drop the 'ob' portion of their practice -- meaning they no longer deliver babies  -- for a number of reasons (ie: malpractice insurance premium, cost, etc).  Your OBGYN may in fact just be a GYN who only sees/treats women who are 3 months pregnant or less.  In this case, you must find an obstetrician to help you deliver.   So, if you find out you're pregnant, call your OBGYN and ask:  "Does Dr. Smith deliver babies?".  If not, time to go shopping.....for a new doc!   But here's the trick:  a lot of practices won't accept a mom-to-be beyond 3 months.  So start shopping EARLY!

OTD

"Hi Honey"
"Guess what?"
"What?"
"You're gonna be a grandma"
loud thump.  silence.

"Hello?............Mommy?........Are you there?............Mother??.......Hello????"

Either she fainted, or accidentally dropped the phone.......then fainted.  Hmm!

Too much too soon?
Ok.  Ok.  I'll back up a bit.

If you recall a few days ago.....ate delicious whole fish....lip swole....heightened sense of smell......rushed to hospital to examine lip....everybody walks into examination room with a creepy stare and smile.  Over a swollen lip????!?
Nope!
Nurse asked me to pee on a stick.  "What? Why? It's too soon.  My OTD (official test day) isn't until Wednesday.  Will my body produce enough hormones to detect anything this soon?  I'm scared.  I don't want to get my hopes up.  Can we wait?"
"JUST PEE ON THE STICK DAMMIT!"

minutes later

"It's faint but I see a line...."
"a faint line? what does that mean?"

can you spot the faint pink line right above 'T'?

"You're producing low levels of hCG.  I'm pretty sure by Wednesday your blood test will confirm you are very pregnant as you'll produce more."

Indeed it did.
By Wednesday morning, my breasts were incredibly sore and huge.  I was on my 2nd ice cream sandwich at 9am (a very weird craving for ice cream lately).  I had many sudden urges to relieve my bladder.  Hair...lots of it.....body hair....I hate body hair.  I'm having to shave yet again.  ....and a nap, I now need naps, I'm constantly exhausted.....very, very exhausted!

"Mommmmmmm WAKE UP.  You're going to be a grandmother!!!!!!!"
"oh my God.  oh my God.  OH MY GODDD!  We have to go shopping!!!!!!"

Yes.  Shopping.
If there was ever a doubt that we were related....here's your proof!  Ha!